Childhood christmas nights...
At home we never had a Christmas dinner. Our family has always been weird. I'm not saying that it is better or worse than others. But it was (or is) weird. But it was a good night. I could stay out all night. I had the midnight mass. I was not going to mass. I stood outside with the other kids. I was an altar boy at that time and we broke a church board (it was wooden. The church was made of wood), to look at the girls legs. I remember the sisters who sang in the choir and were more than enough reasons for us not to lose any mass. They were three sisters. The three had names that began in "S". Sue, Sylvia and Sandra. Sue was the oldest, the brunette. Silvia was the middle one, the blonde. And Sandra was the youngest. It was the girl I was in love.
For the first time in my life. She barely knew I existed. We were the altar boys, a kind of "second-class", if you see what I mean. The boys means that girls dirty Coralzinho did not pay attention. I played in goal the team and remember her going on the court. I remember the goal I closed that day. She should not have noticed, but every defense that I did, looked to the bank where she sat. She always seemed to be looking the other way. So I thought, "What the fuck she is seeing the other side? I'm here, dammit. I just did a miraculous defense and she has not seen. " Then she cut her hair short and was even more beautiful. In the playground of the school was looking at her from afar.
At the time they committed a shameful sort of apartheid at school (not sure if the other was the same way). They divided the classes into "smart" (with the highest grades), "medium" (with average grades) and "weak" (which can be translated as "stupid", "tapirs", "beasts" or any other expression of gender) with the worst grades. I was the class of "smart" although I do not feel comfortable there. I had more to do with the guys of "weak". I just took pride in being there for me to imagine that Sandra respected more for being in the class of "smart", I felt special or any of that shit. It was a kind of compensation that I have to live with a bunch of fucking cdfs bags.
But I think she never realized I was in that class. I remember people playing "Burn" a day. I played against her team. At one point I was on the ball and had to burn it. She was in front of me unprotected. I could not, and I was wrong on purpose and she decried the team must have found me a shit who can not hit a girl with a ball two meters away. At least that day she noticed me, despise me for once. I started talking about it because today is Christmas. And for almost forty years ago, that night we broke a church board to look at the legs of the girls during the midnight mass. That bunch of kids lying on the ground looking at the legs of the girls who sang the hymns.
And the nights were good. I guess as good as the other nights of the boys who had Christmas dinners at home with their families. He liked to sit there on the lawn outside the church looking at the sky and thinking about the future nights would spend Christmas away from home. You could hear the noise of the parties, families reunited and large celebrations. I knew that was not part of it. I sincerely beautiful when families get together and celebrate (if real and not just a hypocritical attitude of "just how we look like each other"), but this is not for me. Never was. I have kept me away from that spirit all these years and I have no problem with that. Last Christmas, I was in the hospital. My daughter was with me during the day and many friends took me things (food, gifts, etc.). But at night when all the families were gathered together and celebrating, remember that I looked to my daughter watching TV and felt good.It was the closest I came home for a family. There is nothing sad about it. And nor cheerful. It's just a way of looking at things, not to push the envelope, not trying to be what is not. Each person is born with a destiny or a lot if you will. I carry mine with a certain lightness to. No pressure. In fact yesterday and my blood pressure measured for the first time in over five years, she was normal. I was surprised. Maybe something is happening. Maybe it's just a coincidence. I spent the day watching "Sons of Anarchy."
"Selfish"
Other day I was called "selfish." That's funny. Do not consider myself selfish. Maybe I’m kind of individualistic because I just do what I like, but not selfish. I do not consider myself altruistic at all. One has to be really cool to be altruistic. The guy who was born in Christmas was. But I'm not selfish. I can spend a whole night recording blues cds for friends, for example, without gaining anything in return. But I do not lose one minute recording a CD of a song I did not like. So I think there is an etymological confusion there, right?
A few days ago was Christmas. It is a word that derives from the Latin meaning which has been born. It was supposed to be celebrating the birth of Christ. My friend Jorge Cardoso understands much more than I do about it. People have long forgotten the real meaning of this day. I always forget too.
In a moment I'll send some money to my daughter. It has nothing to do with Christmas. She's in need and called me. They tried to rob her yesterday. She did not. My daughter is tough. What makes me even more worried. Sometimes it's good to be afraid. Last Christmas she was with me in the hospital. Today she called me a sore throat and told me that she tried to rob yesterday. These things make a man feel very alone. I have a good document about loneliness that I’m trying to convert to excel, just found this great pdf to excel converter that I will try later.
Today is about joining two hands with a nice guy born with stars that point the way with kids sprawled on the floor watching the girls legs.
Today you might find some friends drinking whiskey and playing some blues sad.That's no biggie. It's just the way God shuffles the cards. I heard that he is not the type that bluff, but you never know what the cards he has.
